Your Thursday Jack

On teeth, nutrition, and double dating with Jerry Izenberg

The call comes in at 2 am.

“Ba, I lost my teeth.”

“Your teeth?”

“Well, not the tops, just the bottom piece. And why did the dentist pull all my teeth?”

“First things first: you can’t find your bottom plate?”

“No.”

“You in pain?”

“No.”

“All right, I’ll come by tomorrow morning and I’ll find it for you. It’s gotta be in the apartment somewhere.”

“You won’t find it. I looked everywhere. Ach, I give up. What do they want from my life?”

“Let me come by. Don’t worry. I’ll find it.”

“Ok, but you won’t find it. I looked everywhere. And why did the dentist pull all my teeth?”

I arrived at his apartment at the Hebrew Home this morning and, quickly, find the bottom plate under his recliner — don’t ask — and to celebrate, I decide to take him to Owl Head for a celebratory egg on toasted croissant. On the way, I tell him how lucky we are to have found it, as dentures can be expensive.

“How much?” he says

“Maybe as much as two grand.”

“No, not that much. They’re only $175.”

“$175?”

“Maybe $275.”

“How would you possibly know dentures only cost $275?”

“Well, I don’t know, but I’m thinking that’s how much.”

We get in the car.

“Ba, I have to lose some weight.”

“No, you don’t. You’re 95.”

“You noticed?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about your weight.”

“What if I find myself in a strange bedroom?”

“Maybe she’ll like fat, older guys. Really, Dad, don’t worry.”

“Because I’m not exercising, I have to be concerned with the intake … the food eating.”

“The food eating? Marvelous. Really, I’m serious, don’t worry about it. Eat what you want. Enjoy yourself. Oh, nearly forgot, do you remember meeting Jerry Izenberg in Vegas years ago?”

“Who?”

“Remember Jerry? The sportswriter. He’s 91. You met at the coffee shop at the casino in Henderson.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Anyway, he sends his regards.”

“Very nice. I mean, I don’t remember there being anything startling about him, but tell him, if we get together again, we can share the same girl.”